'Family'....'Home'.....
Recently, these two words have been bugging me at the back of my numb and restless mind...
think its because i've never really gave much thought to it and they have always just been shaft aside for thing thats seemingly more important.
but why as they re-surface recently they decide to stay afloat and waddle about, unlike previously where they just kick to the surface, gulp down a deep breath and drown back into nothingness....is this part and parcel of growing old?? sigh...in someways, after giving them some thought, i seem to feel both discontented but fortunate at the same moment..issit even possible for such extremes to be present within one being....
anyway, heres what my uninspired cerebral mass though bout them:
'Family'....being away from home since 13, never was as close to my family as i had wish i could be. maybe also the inherited trait of passive social skills of my 2nd bro and i from both my parents. communication has always seem to be forceful and tiring...but looking at how comfortable and at ease siblings are around one another or how other parents and kids share, and joking and tease and talk always give me a slight pinch. never was i close to my bros. never did get the chance to go pass the ipunchyoubecauseyoupunchmebecausepunchyou stage with my 2nd bro...and my youngest bro...how much can u share with and hope to get advise from a 12 year old. with my parents, there always seemed to be the barrier of age and respect...we get along fine, but just not as at ease as it should i guess.... more over, i think my mates here know more bout me than my parents.... which took me into realizing how fortunate i'm to have found groups of friends in sch now and before which to me seemed to be more 'family' than my family. how easily it is to be around each other...and without knowing most of the time, how comforting it is to be in their presence. for this, i'm blessed beyond what i deserve, and in my opinion my gratitude can never be described as clearly and completely in words, ever...
as for 'Home'... a place where one seeks sanctuary, solace and restfulness. i'm surprisingly undeterred to admit that the place closest to the description of 'home' to me now is South Asia Digital Design Studio, Level 3 SDE 3, 4 Architecture Drive, S117566. if ask where i most prefer to spend a night now...i would say STUDIO without even so much so as blink. this is probably unfathomable to many, but in studio, i answer to no one but myself; in studio, work and sleep is just 4 shoeless steps away; in studio i'm not at the mercy or in debt to anyone; in studio, i'm at ease; and in studio.....i'm amongst 'family'. and i've everything here i need to survive....internet, tv, bed(though make-shift), shower, food close by....alls that missing is storage and laundry facilities...hahaha!!! i'm even more at home in studio than home itself(home being 5hrs plus away in Malaysia) again, maybe its the fact that i'm do not need to constantly seek to achieve a state of 'un-awkwardness' and ease...
sometimes, i conclude that it is just me, being me, but give the circumstances, i'm still not entirely sure how i've arrive at this state....all i know is, i'm fine with it but still in hopes of changes for the better....
thanks everyone for being yourself...
sigh....i better get back to work on the plan that Kelvin practically smashed with a wrecking ball earlier today.....
