Phobias

Hmmm......its a Sat.
alone in studio....sigh!!
just got another cut added into the RAG-injuries collection on me earlier this morning.
self-inflicted pain of a self-made klutz.

i guess its the fact that i'm suppose to be doing something,
and that people on my side aren't here with me that i'm feeling kind of down.
oh well......

anyway, while i was "Stumbling"(its a internet surfing add on to Firefox that display random website when i'm bored and click it)...
i came around something that i guess describes me...
or actually, the undesirable situations that i'm so used to getting myself in....
i found out that i'm Social Phobic...
in other words, i'm suffering from Social Phobia....
which basically means the fear of negative criticism...
more specifically, evaluated negatively in a social situation.

it has always been how i'm seen in the eyes of other,
am i on his/her good side??
is he/she liking me??
is he/she pissed with me??
if i do this, will he/she be mentally whooping my arse??(not in a sexual way mind you....)
and hence, these always lead to decisions or responsibilities on my part which i would have never, and will most definately not enjoy...
just to "be of a convenience" on the other party's part....
sigh.......one good example,
WHAT I AM IN NOW!!!.....(go figure...)
another,
WHAT I WAS IN DURING THE SEMESTER!!!!....(go figure more...)
and there many more in my 20 years of life.......
and its all the same,
done in the pursuit of being a well-liked man.

some simple examples,

whenever someone walks up to be asking for donations,
the automatic response on my part is to take out my anorexic wallet,
and donate something...
never had i felt comfortable saying "NO THANKS" and walking away...
and sometimes, this comes as an expense of my food-money in the not too distant future....
and i felt like i could have been strong enough to had given them the:
"speak to my hand....causemyhandwillbetheonereachingintomyanorexicwalletforthevitamin Myou'reaskingmefor...
and...
myhandain'tnotsmartenoughtobethinkingaboutthewellbeingofhisothercounterpartslikemybrainis....
so....SPEAK TO MY HAND!!!!"

here's another,

when i'm on a crowded bus,
i get a seat next to someone else....
and like the social-zone respecting man i am,
my butt would be performing the "Cliff-hanger" on the edge of the seat
in order not to invade the private social zone of the stranger beside me....
well,
as the journey continues,
seats around starts catching their breaths as they are relieved of the weight of other arses,
and when a side-by-side seat comes into availability for me to comfortably suffocate them with my bum,
the thought that plays in my numbskull of a head is:
"will the person beside me feel that somethings wrong with him/her if i evacuate to the other seat??"
"will my action cast a beam of self-doubt over the person i'm currently sitting beside?"
"will there be a sense of unknown rejection?"
and more often than not,
i'll end up perching half my bottom on half of the seat beside the person i was sitting beside
the entire butt-sore of a journey,
leaving the side-by-side free seats in there temporary bliss of "fresh-butt-less" air
or to be suffocated by another fellow passengers big behind...

now,
would a person in the right mind be thinking of all these before doing something?
anyone.....please enlighten me.....

oh well...
here are some other phobias that i can or simply can't understand...

Cibophobia: fear of food and eating....in pek's opinion: GO KILL YOURSELF AND NOT WASTE BREATHING IN OUR AIR YOU ANOREXIC IDIOT!!!!

Coulrophobia: fear of clowns...pek says: to all clowns....GO JUMP OF A BUILDING WILL YOU!!!

Philophobia: fear of being in love...pek thinks: why? why? WHY????

Lachanophobia: fear of vegetables...pek feel: all that grows from the ground should be only ate after being BOILED IN OIL!!!!!.....

~signing off not feeling that great at all~