from me to me

as cliche as it might sound, please know that it not you, or you or any of you as a matter of fact. its just me. me being the emo-worrying closet pessimist i am as default. so if i've written something wrong or inappropriate in your opinion, i do apologize first. please know that without all of you, you, you and everyone else, i would be worse of then i'm now, and that i'm just trying to clear my thought here.

"There’re times you tell yourself thing’s are going to be ok...just like what you told those that you care when they were in need. But sometimes, that still lives you unsatisfied, and though you’re not particularly sad nor depress, happiness still seem far beyond your reach. You just sort of feel alone and unimportant. It’s like though there are people you care deeply for, there seem to be no one who deeply cares for you.

Each day goes by like yesterday where the only solace you could seek is the short few hours after work where alone you run pass strangers one after another. Not really knowing what you’re running from or running towards. Trying to convince yourself that you’re just trying to be like any other self-respecting, responsible human being trying to stay healthy and fit. But in truth, it’s an excuse to stay out as long as late as possible cause the so call ‘home’ you return every night is no where close to the calming sanctuary a home should be. And its also the time when your head’s so caught up telling your lung to struggle for each breath that’s it distract you from the haunting emotions that plague you during the rest of the days. It the only way that you can get yourself so exhausted that your mind stop wondering of think bout all the unhappy things during you ride bus ride back home, and exhausted enough to knock you out cold when you finally lay down in bed giving you no chance to ponder bout what’s sucks in your life.

then there’re those other time, where you’re just so sapped of energy to running from wallowing in your desolation that you just wonder aimlessly along the banks of the river for somehow and not knowing why you what and why you’re there. And though seeing all those happy people hanging out together in couples or in group all along the river bank leaves you longing for what seems to be missing, your still find it somewhat comforting to be there. Maybe it because the joy of these people unconsciously rubs itself onto you, or maybe it just feels better to see other happy. If not, it might just be that you’re a sadist and that you just subconsciously want to be close those things that you seem to not have thus giving you even more reason to lament over how sad your life is. Maybe, just maybe it because being near that watery body that you’ve come to be more at ease in, where you had as many happy memories in than out somehow makes your disguising life a little more tolerable

Once in a while, something good actually happens living you a ray of light that you hold onto to get you through the dreadful thoughts and seemingly meaningless and unfulfilling work. It becomes like a lifeline that you desperately hold onto so as not to drown in the self-bashing, gloomy and disappointing whirlpool that you has willingly dive head first into. But more then ever you find that when that day-you-have-looked-forwards-to-so –veryvery-much arrives, it doesn’t live you any better than you were before. Although its all smiles and cheery for a while, for which you’re more than grateful for and the company relieves you of the burden that has weigh you down during the week for that fleeting moment, but nonetheless when those brief few hours has past, once again, you sucked back into the murky depths. At times, even deeper than you were before cause you start remember those carefree time we had days and months before and question yourself why are we not longer like we were before, while others seem to still remain so. This question, which after countless attempts to answer, still leaves you in despair, and frustrated. Is this all part of growing up, if so you rather not and be like Peter in Neverneverland.

Maybe it time for you to wake up from the fairytale land that you’ve hoped for, where those that matters to you would be always there and that if you give willingly, you’ll receive in return when the time come. Shake yourself out of this suicide slumber and know that ultimately it’s you that matters to yourself. If you’re unwilling to help yourself and continue to withdraw into that life-killing cesspool of jealously, discontentment, misery and anger you’ve been swimming in, no one else can help you even if try really want to. WAKE UP PEK!"