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'Family'....'Home'.....

Recently, these two words have been bugging me at the back of my numb and restless mind...
think its because i've never really gave much thought to it and they have always just been shaft aside for thing thats seemingly more important.

but why as they re-surface recently they decide to stay afloat and waddle about, unlike previously where they just kick to the surface, gulp down a deep breath and drown back into nothingness....is this part and parcel of growing old?? sigh...in someways, after giving them some thought, i seem to feel both discontented but fortunate at the same moment..issit even possible for such extremes to be present within one being....

anyway, heres what my uninspired cerebral mass though bout them:

'Family'....being away from home since 13, never was as close to my family as i had wish i could be. maybe also the inherited trait of passive social skills of my 2nd bro and i from both my parents. communication has always seem to be forceful and tiring...but looking at how comfortable and at ease siblings are around one another or how other parents and kids share, and joking and tease and talk always give me a slight pinch. never was i close to my bros. never did get the chance to go pass the ipunchyoubecauseyoupunchmebecausepunchyou stage with my 2nd bro...and my youngest bro...how much can u share with and hope to get advise from a 12 year old. with my parents, there always seemed to be the barrier of age and respect...we get along fine, but just not as at ease as it should i guess.... more over, i think my mates here know more bout me than my parents.... which took me into realizing how fortunate i'm to have found groups of friends in sch now and before which to me seemed to be more 'family' than my family. how easily it is to be around each other...and without knowing most of the time, how comforting it is to be in their presence. for this, i'm blessed beyond what i deserve, and in my opinion my gratitude can never be described as clearly and completely in words, ever...

as for 'Home'... a place where one seeks sanctuary, solace and restfulness. i'm surprisingly undeterred to admit that the place closest to the description of 'home' to me now is South Asia Digital Design Studio, Level 3 SDE 3, 4 Architecture Drive, S117566. if ask where i most prefer to spend a night now...i would say STUDIO without even so much so as blink. this is probably unfathomable to many, but in studio, i answer to no one but myself; in studio, work and sleep is just 4 shoeless steps away; in studio i'm not at the mercy or in debt to anyone; in studio, i'm at ease; and in studio.....i'm amongst 'family'. and i've everything here i need to survive....internet, tv, bed(though make-shift), shower, food close by....alls that missing is storage and laundry facilities...hahaha!!! i'm even more at home in studio than home itself(home being 5hrs plus away in Malaysia) again, maybe its the fact that i'm do not need to constantly seek to achieve a state of 'un-awkwardness' and ease...

sometimes, i conclude that it is just me, being me, but give the circumstances, i'm still not entirely sure how i've arrive at this state....all i know is, i'm fine with it but still in hopes of changes for the better....

thanks everyone for being yourself...

sigh....i better get back to work on the plan that Kelvin practically smashed with a wrecking ball earlier today.....

today the weirdest thing occured,

i lost 16+ hours of my life...
can't remember what happened or how it happen.

all i can recall is,
Saurday,
architour duty finish,
bought dinner home,
ate while watching tv,
watched a little more tv,
......
opened my eyes and it was 7pm Sunday evening!!!

in between is just blank....

IMG_1267, originally uploaded by CAbure.

Friends, what will we do without them......

thanks lloyd for such a wonderful pic. by far, still one of my favourites....

DSC05753, originally uploaded by CAbure.

we were high
So high that we could touch the sky....haha!

DSC06142, originally uploaded by CAbure.

day and night,
minutes of every hour,
never had i not felt the way i did,
since the day i penned my thought down for you.

DSC05875, originally uploaded by CAbure.

DSC05874, originally uploaded by CAbure.

DSC05872, originally uploaded by CAbure.

A good indication that u'r restless and really in need of sleep, is when u feel that the basewood pieces that u have been sticking for the past 6 hours would enjoy some form of conversation....

DSC05786, originally uploaded by CAbure.

an accidental stumble onto an encouraging note once given to me but forgotten.

"...when things are colourful in your life, you'll take more joy out of them. Art exist all around us, as does beauty.

Have you seen the freshness and vividness of our world after the rain? it parallels relationships. Things seem so much more enhanced after a storm...."

hmmm...for those who are wondering, this post has nothing to do with the photo. just that i like this photo. a pleasent surprise admist the usual amatueristic shots from my camera.

lallalllallallallalalalalallallalllallalllallalllallllllllallallla...........

dum dum dum didididi dumdum............

toto totototo tototo...........

when it hurts beyond what u've ever been hurt before,
sometime the question to ask is,
is it better to be hurt then to never have taken the risk at all??...

even if time doesn't heal completely,
seconds pass like minutes, minutes pass like hours and hours like days,
and even though sometimes scars remain,
but time will still heal,
leaving only remnence of the pain that will in turn serve as experiences to learn from in the future.

giggle when u're down,
smile when u're miserable,
and laugh when u're at rock-bottom.

so don't think about stuff beyond one's control,
thinking is about as much help as not thinking at all.
focus on what's at hand,
while looking forwards to the most immediate rewards for strength.

know that no one's ever alone out there,
though sometimes it may feel different.
over 6 billion souls out there,
we are all under the bright sun,
starring at the same starry sky,
and on the same rock oscillating around in space.

take comfort in those around,
know that they there for a reason,
hearts to care,
ears to listen,
hands for support,
and shoulders to lean on.

when we were young...

1, originally uploaded by CAbure.

2, originally uploaded by CAbure.

3, originally uploaded by CAbure.

4, originally uploaded by CAbure.

5, originally uploaded by CAbure.

6, originally uploaded by CAbure.

Hahahahaha!!!!! Back when in those days,

-when we still had 730-930 study times daily
-when we saw the same stupid faces day in day out
-when hallmasters were our Dad/Mom and halltutors were our Aunts/Uncles
-when breakfast was the best meal of the day
-when lunch was rice and 3 dish piles together to from 1 homogenous mush
-when the chicken at dinner was like rubber and would cataput off a plate faster than it could run when it was alive
-when the custard of the custard puff for supper could bounce from table to ceiling if thrown hard enough
-when a good supper equals the rebelious acts of fence-climbing and camera-dodging to get to Wah Gee across the road
-when birthdays were spent under a pile of human-sandwich or getting toothpaste smeared in places that toothpaste were never meant to be
-when fortnightly room-cleaning was just an excuse to squeeze 10+ people attacking one another with water balloons into a 3 cubicle toilet

and

-when girl-sightings came in the form of squeezing into the 6 bed-ed rooms spying on the MGS swim meet or track meet happening below

hahahahaha!!!! that was life of the boarder of Doraisamy Hall 1 where there are no rules, but one......if he(hallmaster) don't like, TEN dollars..hahahaha!! and ever a digital camera was a rarity then, we were already cam-whoring...hahahaha!!

Entities scattered by distance

jumble jumble, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

jumble, crumble, humble, tumble, fumble, mumble......hmmm....

our numbers are dwindling, and its making life really bland and colourless nowadays. i'm not the only one feeling as such...looking at the gang, everyone that're still here(the Remainders) seems to be feeling this effect in one way or another. restless, uninspired, troubled, even insomiac-ed.....

----

the other day while looking for company for lunch, we ended up with a grand totally offfff.....2...sigh...though it was jokingly brought out that that was in a sense the saddest case of lunch gathering we had....but i guess somehow or somewhere, sadly there is some truth from which the comment stemmed.

-----

yesterday, whether trying to gather the reminding gang for a farewell party, i only manage to come up with a number of 6, of which 3 couldn't make it, 1 said "ok, i guess", and 1 didn't reply. only 1 confirmed.

-----

well, it is really true that we only appreciated what we have when what we have are no longer around. Of those who remain, though we still gather and joke and tease and have fun, but amidst all this, i guess we still can't help missing you guys miles and miles away. Carefully, we have avoided talking about you guys. not that we have forgotten all of you all(how could we, as much as we don't talk about it, you all have be part of our lives for the pass 3 years), it just that we are afraid that it might open up sinking hearts and teary eyes. In some sense, our only solace and comfort is the laughters and the smiles we have when we're in the company of one another. and in our own ways, missing you all; rememebering all your the little quirks and weird habits; and recalling those personal experiences and feelings with you all, are only done when we are on our own. more frequently than ever.

-----

so to you all out there, know that all and every single one of you are sorely and dearly missed back here. and not a single moment of any day goes by without any one of us 'Remainders' thinking of any one of you out there. take care and experience the most out of your time miles and miles away.

and to the Remainders, though we are few in numbers, that doesn't really matter. what we have among us as well as between us and the gang scattered miles around the world is strong and will with stand time and overcome distance. take comfort in the company of one another, and know that you're not alone.

3:16 am, i'm suppose to be brainstorming and coming up with stuff for studio tomorrow(i mean thats why i'm in studio and not home......) but nothing seem to be coming up. to think that the past 2 days of R and R would have re-inspired me, but i'm coming to realize that, maybe it didn't.
-----
On friday, aft the 10hr plus bus ride the night before, the 3 consecutive dives and a-little-too-much drink after dinner, it was nice to just lay back on the rocker-chair at the beach looking up at the clear night sky. when everyones knocked out and in dreamland, one would think that the island would be dead quiet. but to my surprise, the constant rhythm of splashing of the waves agains the crudely constructed jetty, the whistling of the cooling sea breeze, plus the various cricks, squicks and hoots of coming from the jungle backdrop all came together like a well rehearsed symphony, something unexpected and, i must add, too darn rare in life today.
and being in the middle of no where when not a single souls awake was weirdly a very calming experience. plus the night sky was so clear, practically evey constellation was starring attentively down from up above, and the moon bathed eveything around in a such a soothing glow. it got me thinking, how nice it would be to just remain so forever, with no cares and no worries. guess its just the whole thought of running away from life that has been so unsettling now more-often-than-before, as well as home which doesn't at all feel like home because it just isn't. in a sense, it might be running away from people. most i'm glad, relieved and happy to alway be around, some i 'm blessed to have around and treasure beyond anything else, but unfortunately, a few seemed to be forced into my life, not wanting to be there, and certainly not wanted by me to be there. it is these few that makes life so unbearable, and these few that makes solitary so tempting sometimes.

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i was so prepared to sleep out there that night instead of the aircon room upstairs with the rest, but the flashes of lightning in the horizon was somewhat intimidating...haha!!
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oh well, i must say, though the past 3 days wasn't really a much needed time away, but nonetheless, the feeling of disregarding everything and anything in life for that few days just to do what i want, when i want and how i want was much refreshing.

anywayz. Happy Birthday Crosstina...hahahaha!!!

1, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to our dearest Aug-gies!!!hahaha!!!!

DSC04614, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.
The Singlish apeaking Asia trapped in an Ang-Moh's body...

DSC05329, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.
The Girl whose punches really do hurt...hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

ecprh17052008p049, originally uploaded by thwl.

1:09am.
Stuck in studio on the first week of sch...alone....

really missed being there........

reflections, relaxation, and rehydration

DSC05362, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

quiet alone time away from 'life' with all its complexity and complications for a short weekend...

Meet Fatty

DSC05345, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

adopted pet of my parents...hahaha....appears when there's food about or when there are people eating food about....disappears the rest of the time...hahahaha!!

even little and simple things matter,
it can change a whole day of 'downs',
and everything just a little brighter

bitter sweet goodbyes

Benita


Vanessa

Bye B, Bye V, you 2 will be dearly missed. have a great time over there and we'll see you in a few months time....take care and SMILE!!!!!.....

July the Twenty Eighth, five minutes to four in the morning.

i'm suppose to be in Rapid Eye Movement stage of the sleep cycle now as per what most normal homosapien are at this exact point in time in this exact side of the third rock from the sun. However, there are experience to reflected upon, and decisions to be made...

if ever theres a chance in life, i would choose to relive certain events of my past, alter some of my actions done and maybe prolong certain experience while cutting short other if possible. But it AIN'T so...i guess i have to make do and hope that what i live and do for today will serve to be a memory enriched and if possible destiny changed.

July The Twenty Eight, three minutes past four in the morning.

Starworld on cable just finished screen 'School of Life'...if ever the chance surfaces, please go catch this movie. Meaningful, heartwarming, hilarious and much-to-be-learnt-from.

Your Royal Highness!!!

n761030270_3237112_5991, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

Congratulation Peepok!! you've officially, formally, undeniably graduated and OLD...hahaha!!! and since you're the the first out of the HAC-kers enter the workforce, from now onwards, all future HAC outings, and gatherings shall be chauffeured and sponsored by you...wahahahahaha!!! thanks in advance=]

xoxo,
Drone No. 1.............
P.S. u lost Timmy!!! wahahaha!!!

Confused...
Indecisive...
Desperate...

of wishing and longing

DSC01267, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

maybe a locked box is lock because the one time it was opened, things didn't turn out well. things were lost, precious and priceless things. though don't be mistaken, it wishes and is trying to be opened again, to feel the confine space within it expand beyond the boundaries of infinite, to have its content shared and be share, all these seemed like nothing but wishful thinking as the haunting memory of the past remains locked within.

they say time heals, but not everything i say. some scars do remain.

anyway, today's is one of those day that i've always dreaded,spending a full day at home and not out with friends and treasured one doing the things i really love or want to do.

maybe thats what got me into this situation now when i suddenly have this feeling of being incomplete. it seems to me that nowadays i've been doing things that would have not necessary be in my nature, but as a result of being afraid to offend, or wanting to belong. to an extend, its not doing these things that's bugging me, but its despite doing this things, i still find my self constantly wishing for the better and still to the certain extend, being leftout. even though most of the time feelings as such only surface when my minds idle, but more frequent now than ever. even when i'm with people, and friends. the moments of seeing how they relate to one another so effortlessly, how the process of giving, receiving and sharing is done in such carefree manner, how couples obtain that unconditional love, all this causes a certain pinch inside. do i envy them. to be hornest...............yes.

only the other day, i was talking to a friend whom i was once very close to. i realised how i've been wishfully thinking that certain things are eternal, and forever. and it is comforting to hope that some things in life can be forever. therefore, i've sort of become a person that seem to hold on to things and memories. both bad and good. it seem that this memories are the reason of my desire to feel like i belong, and to a certain extent, has been holding me back for certain things i would like to do, and should have done or tried long ago.

oh welz......i'm hungry.....sigh

July Babies 3

t, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY my 'whatwhat' friend=]....hahaha!!!!!!(inside joke) anywayz, hope you had a great birthday, and may it be a start to a GREAT year ahead....heehhee.......WHAT WHAT WHAT!!! u win this time=]

July Babies 2

beat, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

yo yo check it out....can u feel the BEAT....hahahahaha!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday to the Birthday girl(center) of the Nua Gang......may u have a nua nua birthday and a nua nua year ahead=]....hahaha!!!

July Babies 1

[raggers] - 002, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

Luke 'Stilt'walker, a.k.a Lloyd Ng, a.k.a Starch Glue Brother, a.k.a. me Pai Kah Gang(PKG), a.k.a. Peanutbutter-Milo-grey sponge Buddy......hahaha!!!!!
Happy 'Model'icious Birthday=] .....hope your sexy legs remain sexy forever and ever....hahahaha!!!!! woooohoooooo to the PKG!!!!!!

_R8N9708.jpg-for-web, originally uploaded by cloudberrie.

WOW WOW WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW..................