the whole of this week something is amiss…
felt a sort of ‘incomplete-ness’ more frequent than usual in this five days.
sigh!!!
it started of with training…
even now, when I’m down paddling,
there’s a void in me which was once filled,
a void which I’ve never felt before in all my competitive years in this sport.
can’t really put a finger on exactly what is wrong.
the only thing I know is that,
I no longer have the ‘I’m-the-fastest-boat-on-the-water’ feeling anymore.
though this might sound a little egoistic,
but it was really how I felt through out all these years.
during all the hundred training sessions that I’ve survived through
it’s a sense of pride and motivation for me as a kayaker/canoeist,
a pride of being among the top,
a pride for my own craft and event,
and my sole basic motivation to push beyond my limits during all those torturous trainings.
however, this feeling, this pride seems to be wavering recently…
though I’m still flying of the starting line,
still trying my best to lead, to enjoy the feeling of leading,
but then, somewhere up in this head of mine,
there’s the voice telling me to slow down.
a voice reminding me that it’s no longer about me,
I no longer have the luxury of being trained.
now it’s about them,
those boys, my juniors, grand-juniors.
I’m no longer the one to step into the ‘battlefield’,
but now it’s me responsibility to prepare them for ‘battle’,
and not to prepare myself…
and with that, I’ll have to slowdown,
and tail behind them to watch and train them.
although, I’m doing it, but I do not like it at all…
every single time I slow down for them to catch up so as to observe them,
I find myself slowing down more and more and more,
till a point where catching up for me is no longer possible.
for the pass 6 years,
I’ve come to be so bloody comfortable of being ahead always,
leading the pack with a clear unobstructed view of the horizon ahead,
chasing down more superior boats in my own,
taking T2s in my T1, hanging on to K2s in my K1,
until a point that now,
as long as another boat is in front,
I find myself losing everything I hold so dearly out on the water…
and not being able to get it back…sigh!!
felt a sort of ‘incomplete-ness’ more frequent than usual in this five days.
sigh!!!
it started of with training…
even now, when I’m down paddling,
there’s a void in me which was once filled,
a void which I’ve never felt before in all my competitive years in this sport.
can’t really put a finger on exactly what is wrong.
the only thing I know is that,
I no longer have the ‘I’m-the-fastest-boat-on-the-water’ feeling anymore.
though this might sound a little egoistic,
but it was really how I felt through out all these years.
during all the hundred training sessions that I’ve survived through
it’s a sense of pride and motivation for me as a kayaker/canoeist,
a pride of being among the top,
a pride for my own craft and event,
and my sole basic motivation to push beyond my limits during all those torturous trainings.
however, this feeling, this pride seems to be wavering recently…
though I’m still flying of the starting line,
still trying my best to lead, to enjoy the feeling of leading,
but then, somewhere up in this head of mine,
there’s the voice telling me to slow down.
a voice reminding me that it’s no longer about me,
I no longer have the luxury of being trained.
now it’s about them,
those boys, my juniors, grand-juniors.
I’m no longer the one to step into the ‘battlefield’,
but now it’s me responsibility to prepare them for ‘battle’,
and not to prepare myself…
and with that, I’ll have to slowdown,
and tail behind them to watch and train them.
although, I’m doing it, but I do not like it at all…
every single time I slow down for them to catch up so as to observe them,
I find myself slowing down more and more and more,
till a point where catching up for me is no longer possible.
for the pass 6 years,
I’ve come to be so bloody comfortable of being ahead always,
leading the pack with a clear unobstructed view of the horizon ahead,
chasing down more superior boats in my own,
taking T2s in my T1, hanging on to K2s in my K1,
until a point that now,
as long as another boat is in front,
I find myself losing everything I hold so dearly out on the water…
and not being able to get it back…sigh!!
~empty...so very very empty...~
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