Same sports, same competition, but different feelings.

every single time the announcer announces the name of yet another price winner,
the bitter-sweet feeling inside me jolts up another notch…
and each time the winner went up to receive their medals,
most of me felt happier by the moment,
but a part of me felt more miserable by the second.
this was what I felt during the price presentation ceremony of the National Junior Canoeing Championships this afternoon.

the past 2 days were my first ever canoeing championships that I attended as an assistant canoeing coach,
and no longer a fellow paddlers,
or a fellow competitor.
its was really weird,
and kind of dis-heartening.
as somehow i no longer felt like i beyond.
being in a competition setting without the stress factor of competing,
without the anxious anticipation of a race,
without the adrenaline filled moment of pitting my skills against other paddlers.
for once, I wasn’t stressed out,
I was restless… and I felt really lost.

for the past years,
every single race, every single championship,
I have been amongst the very center of the action.
being a fellow competitor,
there was this sense of achievement in
being in this very special group of athletes of this very excusive and one-of-a-kind sport.
where commitment, determination and pure stubbornness had brought us to that level where we can finally come together in a race to find out the best of the best.
where by seer hard work and many other sacrifices could we be qualified to race with one another in the spirit of sportsmanship and out of respect.
it was my time when I’ve won the respect of others
and at the same time come to respect others in this arena.
and most of all,
the time where most of my true and real friendships have been forged and strengthen.
it was also my time when I had my share of the glory and pride by working my butt of to earn those now seemingly worthless medals and trophies,
as well as the fair share of humidity and lessons learnt from losing,
but gaining from these things which were more meaningful and useful in my sports
and in life.

however, this time round,
all I could do was observe from the side-line,
while helping my boys prepare for their time out there in the ‘battlefield’…
and helplessly watch as they went in to ‘battle’
some of them came out victorious,
while other came out barely surviving.
but hopefully all came out having learnt or realized something new.
but as for me…
each ‘battle’ brought for me ‘hunger pangs’
I longed to be down there racing and not just watching on land.
I really miss satisfaction of being in the lead,
trashing the living day-lights out of the rest,
or the confusing jumble of feelings when every boat is neck to neck,
and everyone was so focus where the tension could be felt all around even through the mass of flying arms and paddles, and the splashing and flinging of water.
its funny, but I also miss the challenge of being behind others,
eating all their bloody bacok wash,
needing to stuff all the frustration and self-pity aside and hang in there,
waiting and on the alert to make the passing move when they make the slightest of mistake.
and in the end,
with the finishing line behind us,
and between panting breaths, we extended words of encouragement and congrates to one another,
and even though some of us only knew the other for that brief few minutes of madness,
we all were link by the common passion for what we do,
and the knowledge that what we just did was beyond our best.......
none of these happened in this competition.

and during the prize presentation today,
though I was really happy for my boys as well as my ACJC jnrs,
(Congrates John, Jeremy, Jit Yew, Zhi Qiang, Weng Gnia, Brian, Bose, Lucas, Nadim, Ben, Wei Ling, Jia Jia, Liyanna and Margy=].)
but honestly speaking,
I felt sort of sad that I can no longer be a part of these ‘elites’.
I wonder whether thats how Mr. See. feels after very competition since the time he quitted to coach.
maybe that’s why he’s so quite, withdrawn and reserved during all these prize presentations.
I guess now I know why,
cause I was doing and feeling all these too today.

I had also begun toying with the idea of rejoining canoeing competitively in NUS.
but if so,
I ain’t going to be satisfied just being team NUS.
since I can come so close to making it into the Nat. team last year,
and it was just too bad that it was my freaking ‘A’ levels years,
and I didn’t consider their offer……
I can’t be satisfied just being a nobody paddlers anymore.
and furthermore,
seeing how they bond so well together there,
the urge to once again throw myself into this torturous sport and try to get into their team re-surfaced.
but,
is it really worth it??
why do I want it so much??
can I cope with the rest of my responsibilities??
these are some questions I have to provide myself with the answers truthfully first,
before i enter these areana again.